Practices Turned Principles: Leadership Lessons from a Married Duo
The idea of leadership isn’t something that changes overnight, but instead evolves over time. For 33 years, my husband Steve and I have learned to hone these leadership skills, both individually and collaboratively while working for a number of organizations.
In both marriage and business, several simple practices have led to lasting principles that have shaped our lives. In this post, I’ll share how these principles have helped guide us as leaders.
The Practice of Difference and Respect
When it comes to being a leader, especially if it’s in a shared environment like business or marriage, it’s important to know the right times to step back and let another person’s expertise and passions flourish. A great example of this is when Steve and I were setting up for a conference. Steve’s first thought was to set it up traditionally. The room - which would hold 100 people - would be set up like a traditional auditorium with a big screen in front and rows of seats facing the screen.
While I respected his approach, I had another idea in mind. My approach involved three concentric circles and a center stage to make things more interesting and engaging for the audience. Instead of digging his heels in and insisting on doing what he wanted, Steve took the time to listen to me and realized that supporting my passion and encouraging my perspective was the right call (and the best setup for the conference).
When similar situations like these arise, we realize that respecting each other’s input can ultimately lead to better decisions (especially when one person may have more passion or expertise on the subject). This doesn’t mean rolling over and giving up control to the other person completely, however. Instead, it’s a healthy back-and-forth that can allow everyone’s strengths to shine in a way that creates a harmonious balance in the relationship.
The Practice of Holding Things Loosely
As a leader, you might think that you need to be rigid in your approach. However, this is an approach that Steve and I learned very quickly led to butting heads. As a result, we eventually developed the practice of holding onto things loosely. But what does this mean, exactly?
When it comes to explaining the practice of holding things loosely, Steve puts it best with what we call the “Cincinnati metaphor.” Let’s say you’re driving to Cincinnati. Your GPS might offer the fastest route to get you there, but just because it’s faster doesn’t mean it’s the best way to go. The scenic route might take longer, but if it can still get you to Cincinnati and it offers more benefits, then it’s the best way to go. In other words, know when it’s time to let go of being in control.
As a leader, knowing when to let go of the need to be right or give up control makes it easier to adapt to whatever might come your way. To go back to our Cincinnati metaphor, it’s not about getting from Point A to Point B the easiest or fastest way but rather about going the way that is the most beneficial for your team’s success.
The Practice of Listening to Passion
Over the years, we’ve come to understand that there’s more to leadership than decision-making. A real leader takes the time to understand why a decision needs to be made. To go back to the example about the conference layout, we were able to come to an agreement because we took the time to understand each other’s point of view.
When it came to discussing layouts, Steve sat with me and listened to why I wanted things the way I wanted them. He took the time to understand why I was so passionate about it. Instead of either of us just putting our foot down and saying, “My decision is final,” we made space to voice our opinions, not only about the available options, but our reasoning behind the decisions. This mindset shift has become a principle that not only benefits our business decisions but our life decisions, as well.
If we just allowed one another to control the situation without open dialogue, then every decision would come with a fight - and who wants that? When you listen to passion, you allow other people to feel heard. This breeds cooperation and trust in those around you.
The Principle of Relationships over Tasks
Having spent years in leadership roles, one big thing my husband and I have learned is that there is more to leadership than checking items off a list. Being a leader means nourishing the relationships around you in order to lead effectively.
This principle reminds me of an African proverb: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. When you prioritize your relationships over the tasks at hand, you are ultimately building a team capable of accomplishing more. Why? Because they will feel like people instead of cogs in a machine. In doing so, you’re guiding people and serving them for the better instead of crossing off tasks as you complete them.
Much like in marriage, creating a team that is motivated and cohesive makes it sustainable in the long run.
Developing Self-Awareness as a Leadership Principle
Whether you’re talking about business or relationships, one of the most important principles to keep in mind is the ability to be self-aware. Steve and I are constantly checking in on ourselves and keeping track of our strengths, weaknesses, and blind spots. This allows us to make adjustments and learn from ourselves in ways that can make us more effective leaders.
Believe it or not, the most important person you’ll ever lead is yourself. If you’re not self-aware, it can have a detrimental effect on those around you and make it that much more difficult to lead.
Final Thoughts
As you head off on your leadership journey, you’re going to learn lessons no matter the setting. These lessons are what Steve and I eventually developed into the guiding principles that form the basis of how we lead to this day.
As you grow, take time to assess the lessons you learn along the way and turn them into your own guiding principles. Whether it’s in marriage, with professional partners, or in charge of your own team, these kinds of principles help shape your approach to leadership. Remember, in the end, leadership isn’t about how quickly you reach the finish line - it’s about who you become and who you bring along the way.
Copyright © Dyan Larmey